Art & Fear

     For as long as I can remember, I have always had a connection with art. Not just the idea of appreciating art, or making art, but feeling as though I was actually art. My idea of “being” art may actually sound strange to you and I will do my best to explain my point of view. Before I began producing drawings and paintings as a young child, even before I understood what art or crafts were, I have a memory of being told that everyone has a creative side no matter what form or medium was used. Everyone thought in a creative matter in some form. I remember my mom photographing me and saying that I was her subject, I remember my brother recording music and saying that I was his inspiration, even as very young child, I had an idea of what art was. So, for many years, I thought I was art too. Once I started to begin my own projects and likings of certain areas of art, I let the idea that I was art disappear. I believe that this is where I lost some important information that could be valuable in my own art.
    I actually read Art and Fear a couple of weeks, and had to take some to think about what I’ve read. I went back and re-read some key points that I had underlined. I realized that I need to dig deeper within myself and re-connect with what is important to me and what I’d like to portray in my art, not just for others, but mainly for myself. I love the idea of critiquing and I wish to always have people around to critique my work. I believe that is very important to get other’s ideas of what they take and understand from the work you have produced. However, I DO NOT believe that it should change the direction you want to travel artistically. Technical aspects of critiquing are always appreciated, but if one doesn’t understand the work, then may be it wasn’t for them to come across. I have to not be feared of this and continue to develop the work I want to produce.
     I find that there are things that hold me back. Time is definitely one of them. The other things that may hold me back are issues that I need to be in tune with somehow and discover what they are. I have tons of ideas and feelings and situations and issues that I want to engage upon with my photography. But the fear? I don’t really know. I need to figure out why there may be a hold somewhere in there stopping me. Art and Fear touches on these subjects extremely well. For me, after reading it, I couldn’t even process one single thought about the whole thing, I had to reevaluate a cluster of things.
     Part of quitting my full time job last summer was so that I can focus more on school. And by school, I mean my photography. However, I also need money to live. My parents are outrageously supportive and offer to help in every way, but I still find myself not being able to take their financial support while I’m even in school! It’s weird with me and them. I see that they work so hard, and I know that they work so hard for their children, but I feel I owe to them to be responsible and not take advantage of them. I spoke to my mom about this situation of me spending time on my art on the plane to Turkey and she wants me to really work as hard as I can while I have the facilities (darkroom) at PSU. I need to take her advice.
     I WANT and NEED so badly to spill my ideas out. I think I just to need to shoot as much as I can without focusing on such quality (like mentioned in the text) and become inspired from there. I believe the more work I do, the more ideas I can come across and the more connected I will be with the camera. I know how much I love photography, and how much I love my OWN photography, I just need to go for it and see where it takes me. The end.